Five Guys

That moment in time when I have a five guys burger in my hand nothing really matters. Not my family, my job, my education. The only minutes that really matter are between the time the burger is in my mouth to the time it reaches my stomach. Forget Mcdonalds and Burger King. If I end up dyingI want to be carried in a stretcher with a quality burger in my stomach.

Costco Entry

I forgot my Costco Card tonight so I flashed the back barcode of my empty best buy gift card and got in. I was considering walking in with the random asian family but they were walking too slow.

Walmart Greeters

I have come to the conclusion that the walmart greeters only signed up for that job because 1) their life is boring 2) they like to make passes at young beautiful women 3) they are trying to lose weight by standing around all day.

Aladdin

The movie Aladdin is the basis for all foundations. All of the characters in that movie suffice as characters that you will meet during your lifetime. If a girl does not know Aladdin, any of the characters, the storyline, or what Agrabah is then this speaks trouble.

Aladdin- You, the sexy bachelor looking to go from rags to riches. In successful form you're 'Prince Ali'
Jasmine- Your ideal girlfriend/wifey/companion. Usually troubled, may have a pet (if she has a cat or two shes really troubled)
Sultan- Her father (ideally you want to find a nice guy who knows how to have a good time)
Jafar- The archenemy you encounter during your lifetime. He is usually a douche, tries to steal your woman, use you to find the lamp.
Genie- The mentor or guide that helps you achieve what you are looking for in life.
Abu- Your closest companion who is always by your side in sickness and/or health
Carpet- Your means of transportation which is pretty 'fly'
Iago- Annoying sidekick of your archenemy

Note: One may have multiples of any of these. But remember Jasmine only started hollering at Aladdin when he became a genuine bad boy. So moral of this post is dont be a little bitch.

The Unibrow

There is nothing more beautiful on this earth than a girl with a unibrow. If she looks like shes from the stone age, i'm coming to holler. The thing about these girls is that they are not afraid to express themselves, theyre different. When youre talking to a girl with a unibrow all her signs of interest in you are different from the average girl. If she's straightening her unibrow out or playing with it in anyway shes probably into you. The more amazing thing about them is the cuddling sessions. I love to stay in a day of rain and thunderstorms and run my fingers through her unibrow while she tells me about unique she was when she was younger. Just so noone is confused I should probably differentiate whats different about the unibrow and the monobrow. Many people see them as the same thing but in reality they are 'thpecial' in their own ways.

Unibrow: This is a perfect union of the eyebrows that dips in the center. It is greatly admired and respected on women who wear it with pride.

Monobrow: This is a caterpillar looking streamline of hair that goes from the top of one eye to the other.

If you find a woman who sports her unibrow and shes proud as hell of it this speaks alot about her character. It shows that she has originality and defines herself in her own way. If you want to know how much she really cares about you then after years of nurturing there will come a time where she will have to part her eyebrows like Moses and the red sea. Be her Moses, you will be her miracle.

Nos's Vs. Nic's

This is the two tier system that I created relating to social settings, gatherings, parties, or any outings in general. You usually want to be in the higher tier because you're pretty much more of a Boss than a pawn. Here goes.

Lower Tier
RNOS- Random nigga on the side- Not recognized
TNOS- That nigga on the side- Level 1
SNOS- Some nigga on the side- Level 2
HNOS- Head nigga on the side- Level 3

Higher tier
RNIC- Random nigga in charge- Level 4
TNIC- That nigga in charge- Level 6
SNIC- Some nigga in charge- Level 8
HNIC- Head nigga in charge- Level 10

At the end of the day you always wanna be HNIC and try and stay away from being that RNOS.

Recognized HNIC's: Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Dwayne Johnson, you get the flow of it.

Recognized RNOS's- Flava Flav, Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton.

The Shopping Cart

I don't know why but for some reason I am unable to cruise through the grocery store with a shopping cart. The moment that my hands make contact with the handles of the shopping cart I feel like a fat pregnant mom. Yes, I might as well make my way to the pampers/kotex section. I would much rather kick the two gallons of milk from the dairy isle all the way to the cash register than push the shopping cart. If I am with a girlfriend or woman I might consider pulling it from the front but I still will not physically stand behind it and cruise through the store.
My problem with the shopping cart is the whole concept dealing with carrying, would you ever see a guy with a purse? Maybe a fanny pack but not a purse. Here's the other thing, I enjoy walking out of the store and walking directly to my car. I don't have to deal with my cart accidentally rolling away and hitting the 5 series BMW nearby. The shopping cart is just a huge hassle, its an unnecessary burden that I don't have room for.
What about the shopping carts that only have three active wheels, isn't that extremely annoying? I'm using the thing to help assist me in my shopping adventures not to make a screeching noise and veer me to the right or left randomly. I remember one time in my prehistoric shopping cart days I actually spent a few minutes maintenance one at home depot so that I could move buckets of paints, a complete fail if you ask me. At the end of the day use the shopping cart at your discretion but I think the only time I may actually consider standing behind one is if I'm married and my wife forces me to.
If I'm going to spend an hour or two with the shopping cart you might as well put a cupholder on that thing. When I get behind the shopping cart I actually feel like Im operating some kind of vehicle. Stores might as well place police officer carts and ambulance carts in case of emergencies. "Sir this is the third time you've operated this cart while being under some kind of influence we're going to have to suspend your Giant Bonus Card." Or "Ma'am youve been stopped and double parked in this lane for an hour now we're going to have to fine you, oh and why is the safety belt not strapped on your son while operating this cart? Click it or Ticket." Aside from that I have to deal with shopping cart traffic. Like seriously, I just got out of rush hour and now I'm waiting for Linda to pick what kind of pizza she wants for her two sons Joseph and Mark. Just pick the giant brand your sons wont know the difference.
And what about those people that always have to peep into what you have in your shopping cart. Yes, I am buying 5 bottles of multivitamin gummies, they taste freakin good and I need my Vitamin C. I'm not looking into your cart wondering why you bought two twelve packs of toilet paper, do you live in the bathroom? Keep your eyes to yourself you clown.

Poopy

The word poops has always amazed me. It is such a vile word but so comedic and meaningful at the same time. I remember when I was with my brothers at a friends house and the parents started arguing in front of everyone. The mood was incredible before the parents went at it. I look over at my brother and he goes, "Dude this is so poopy lets get out of her". When I heard him say that it was like all of my worries went away. Although it was poopy at that house, I had the biggest smile on my face.
Its even a great word to  use when someone is bothering the hell out of you. Take for example those girls that are super clingy or have nothing to do so they sit on their bed all day calling people up and bothering them. Sometimes those girls are the mayor of poop city or the head clan leader of pooptopia. Just say it straight to their face, you never know they might not come back to bother you.
People talk too much nowadays. Sometimes they say things they dont mean or inappropriate things come out of their mouths. We call those people, 'poop mouths'. If there is a gang of them, then you have yourself a poop squad. Lets go over some more common poop concepts and phrases you may come across:
Poopyopolis- The capital of poopyville. If someones friends or family are all not fun and mean then they probably originate from here.
PoopCity- A house or apartment that is messy, does not smell good, and filled with uncomfortable sightings.
Snoopy- A covert way of calling someone poopy. Subtle, very subtle.
Poopiest- The highest degree of ill behavior a person may obtain.
Poopin- Nomadic behavior where a person or a group go disturbing good settings and happy moods.
PoopTart- Junk food that doesn't taste good.
Poopsicle-  Any type of ice cream that's soggy and unenjoyable.
Theres many more but this keeps your train of thought thinking any time you're not feel comfortable.

The Professor

Nowadays it seems like you just can never get eactly what you want out of a professor. He can one or more than one of the following: Nice, A Great Teacher, Has easy exams. The problem is that you can only choose two, and the third? Well, it will be the reverse, but taken to the nth level of extreme. For instance, you're friend recommends a class for you, and you proceed to ask, "What's the professor like?" Your friend responds, "well, he's nice, and he's a great teacher...."
Hmm, what about his tests? Yea, turns out they're IMPOSSIBLE. Actually, I lied to you, I recently came across a professor that satisfies all three, wow what a find! Wait, but here's the catch, he's the most boring dude you've ever known in your life. Even worse, he feels the need to tell you information that is completely irrelevant to both you and everyone else in the world. Sometimes I wonder if the boring professor even has the slightest hint that everyone in the room is bored out of their mind. It's particularly funny when the professor thinks he's "putting on a show" for the students, making goofy math related jokes every few minutes that only he laughs at. Exception, the suck-up student in the front gives a chuckle every now and then. This is probably the only time in my life that I legitimately felt like i wanted to end my life.

The Head Nod

For all of you that do a significant amount of walking through crowds of people that may or may not know you, you run into the head nod dilemma. The assortment of these acknowledgments truly defines the relationship between the two people. The types are as follows:
The Upward Head Nod - This head nod is used for friends that you normally hang out with, but this time you simply don't want to stop for small talk. It gives the implied "what's up?", but of course you're aren't really interested in their answer to that question.
The Downward Head Nod - The downward head nod is mostly used for common acquaintances. This signifies that you simply have been introduced and both agree to the fact that you won't actually ever hang out. This head nod is essentially something to buy you time until you are out of sight. The downward nod can also be a sign of simply paying your respects to an elder or just being friendly to a complete stranger.
The Smile and Half-Wave - This is quite possibly one of the worst because it implies that you used to be friends and hang-out, until you realized how much of a weirdo this person is. Of course you didn't simply cut the relationship there. You'd rather awkwardly wave to this person, and claim that "we should hang out," for the rest of your life.
The Fast-Small-Talk - Oh this one could be particularly obnoxious. Some people just find the need to stop and chat every time you see them. The problem occurs when you see them so often as to not have anything new to 'report' so that you run into an awkward exchange of small talk. It usually goes, "how are you?" "good how are you?" and so on and so forth. This 45 second conversation usually abruptly ends in "well, cya."

I love you man

Why do so many girls throw around 'I love you'? It isn't a pack of Starburst you buy at giant and start sharing with all the people you like. Sheesh get a grip of yourself ladies youre way too emotional.

Party in the USA

People you’ll find at a party:
Fat Bouncer- Tries to look intimidating, checks out all the girls, in reality soft nice guy.
Trying to make a name guy- “Dude Joe’s doing a back flip off the roof, everybody come!”
Unknown Looter- That guy who nobody knows and is asking for him to leave.
Ugly Slut- The girl whos invited to all the parties cause she will get down with anybody.
Girl that looks good after a few drinks- That girl that you’d never talk to sober but now its different.
Unintellectual Ciggarete Smokers- The people you find outside smoking who look like they’re talking about something deep but its really, “You know he was the creator right?” (Inhales cigarettes) “Yeah he created that bong himself.”
Creepy Guy- The guy who only talks to girls and is extremely blunt. “Hey your boobs are huge can I squeeze them?”
Competition Drinkers- “Dude I’m getting trashed first, This is my seventh shot in 20 minutes.”
Motivational Frat Guy- “Yo Ryan this is Omega Omega Omega, stop being a lightweight. Grab that jack daniels.
Drunk Workout Guys- “80 pushups and I’m sore”, “67 and I’m drunk”, “Yeah I guess we’re equal”.
Cute Complainer- “He doesn’t love me, he just texted me and said hes not coming here, he’s going to the clubs in DC”
Textasaurus- Guy or Girl who is scrolling through their phonebook but pretending like they’re texting because they’re too cool for the party. You’re an antisocial it’s ok we understand.
Midnight Rapist- Guy who’s taking care of girls because he genuinely "cares", dude everybody knows what you want it’s obvious.
The DD- Designated Driver, there’s a possibility of him being a creeper, antisocial, or midnight rapist.

Empty Comments

Everybody in the world has that one person in their life that always makes those comments that really ruin your day. It can be an acquaintance, a friend, a sibling, whoever but for some reason they have extracted certain comments that are unnecessary and don’t even really make any sense. “Hey man I wanted to talk to you, yesterday I lied to my mom and I feel really bad. The thing is bro it was just one lie.” That person comes in trying to show you they care which at times they do but that one comment slips, “Look, we all lie we’re human I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but lying is lying bro.” That last part of the comment is what really hits the spot. “Lying is lying.” Thank you Captain Obvious. “I don’t drink but I had a beer at the party.” I’m sure if you have that friend you know exactly what he or she is going to say. Yep, "Drinking is drinking." Just ignore it, when you hear that just imagine that they have no more material or are just talking to talk. Other lines that you should ignore include, “People can see you better than you can see yourself”, “I’m not responsible for your misunderstanding” and, “If a girl tells you the quote “Live, Lagh, Love”, she’s lost.

Finals Week

I’m a bit worried. Finals week just continues to inch closer and closer and I am convinced that as the days go by, I am literally forgetting everything I have learned. As much as everyone around me is stressing the fact that they have to study “a shit load,” I can’t help but enjoy the fact that since everyone thinks that I’m busy studying, professors included, I have the opportunity to do absolutely nothing. The greatest thing is that I now have an unlimited number of excuses to not hang out with those people that just won’t stop asking to hang out. “Dude I gotta study,” is now one of my most common responses to these eager people that have studied so far ahead of time that they practically have nothing to do.  After a week of leaving class early and sitting around enjoying the heaven-like weather that coincidentally appears out of nowhere during the busiest time of the year, I think it’s finally time to “hit the books,” “brush up,” “cram,” and all those other stupid terms that basically mean study. I make my way into the main study area, and it’s just packed beyond all reason. Students who I have never seen on campus seem to have spawned out of the corners of the building. These dorm room cave dwellers have for the first time taken a trip outside of their room in a final desperate attempt to appear social. They are only here because everyone wants their “great notes.” Let’s face it, they aren’t actually “great” notes, everyone is just glad that someone actually took notes in the first place. As I walk by, I see huge tables filled with crinkled papers, food wrappers, empty cans of expensive energy drinks and a bunch of people that have congregated purely to leech off of who knows the most. I’m thinking these tables aren’t for me. I might try a study room. I begin slowly creeping up on each study room window, peering in only to see a scruffy guy with huge headphones facing the door with his laptop, his lower body concealed beneath the table. He is laid back, with one hand resting on the keyboard of his laptop, while his other hand is somewhere "below-deck." Alright, so may not be surfing the net for porn, as he slides his hand over to his “mouse,” but he is certainly not studying. The thought of this completely ruins the idea of a study room for me so I figure I’ll just move to a more quiet area in the library. I quickly realize that the libraries are always plagued with low GPA adderol “dealers” acting as if they have the real secret to doing well during finals week. As he slowly pulls out a cloudy plastic baggy filled with these mystery wonder pills, he says, “Dude if you need to cram, these will keep you really focused.” While the dealer is finishing up his adderol marketing speech, I notice a few of his clientele approach him. They begin asking him for the pills by using code words like "candy," "advil," and "study juice." These bloodshot-eyed, headache-faking students are most commonly spotted filling every possible seat in the classroom on the day of the test, when you distinctly remember there being three empty rows last class. Unfortunately their pill-popping endeavors practically never work, and they end up turning their head towards you, whispering, "Yo, did you study?"  I finally decide to study alone on my laptop. All of a sudden I realize just how many things you can do, other than studying on your laptop. For the first time in months, I’m multitasking. Switching back from chat windows, to Facebook, to the most addicting games on earth, I feel so accomplished. I have probably typed “Dude you’re distracting me” about five times already, but for some reason I have not signed off ichat. Lets face it, we just love the concept of someone “distracting” us while we are “trying to work.” Now I’m starting to get a little tired as I look out the window and notice that the sun has gone down. How long has it been? I crawl into bed intently thinking, “tomorrow I’m gonna study all day, and really get shit done.” The next day I wake up at the crack of dawn to a classmates raspy voice asking me in their final hours before the test, "Dude, do you got a scantron?" I'm speechless, and i'm screwed.

Poppa Bear

So I’ve come to the conclusion that the coolest thing to call your dad is “pops”. Father sounds like you’re begging him for forgiveness or you’re asking for his praise in your house. As the head of the household he carries that title but it just blows it up and really degrades the children. Dad sounds way too whiny and a tool that works as an arm for financial support. Most of the time I affiliate the word “Dad” with playing catch and sometimes even going to a sports event together. The word ‘baba’ which comes from Arabic households sounds too much like pita bread or oriental rugs. Every time I hear baba I feel like I’m at a Lebanese bakery or butcher store. I’m not even really a big fan when people say, “that’s my Old Man” it almost sounds like they’re ashamed. That or it was miserable while he was alive because he was so harsh. Papa is no fun either, when I hear Papa i think of a man on a rocking chair with a stick ready to do some beating, no good. Pops is perfect though, not because he pops out to your location from time to time but because it has so many derivatives to it. Poppyseed, Popalicious, Popeye, Popzilla, Popcorn, Popaloosa, Pop Lock and Drop it, Popster,Poptart, Pop-a-pimple, Popsicles, Pop stop and roll, and Once you poppa the fun don’t stoppa. These are only a few of the derivatives there are many, many more. The other great thing about Pops is that it matches perfectly with any father whether he’s old, grumpy, sweet, cute, rich, poor, etc. He could be doing the dumbest thing in public and you’d be like “Yeah, that’s my pops.” It just flows that much better.Big Poppa [Explicit]

Community College

It would be really nice to get ahead with your college classes. If only it wasn’t so damn expensive to take those gen-eds over the summer. Here’s a solution, Community college. It’s cheap, exciting, and you can most likely locate one that’s not too far of a commute. It’s perfect for your summer attitude of “getting ahead” by taking a class once a week, goofing off every other day, and scribbling your homework in class the day that it’s due. Every day you receive that not so satisfactory test grade you think to yourself “I just gotta pass.” A few days go by and things start to get a little repetitive, so its time to people watch. Hmm, that’s odd, everyone in the room seems to be representing every ivy league college you know, so why exactly are they here? After a few conversations with these apparent “over-achievers,” you’ll understand what’s really going down in this classroom. Innocently you figure that everyone has the same attitude as yourself, the “I need to get ahead” mentality, and you ask yourself, “would anyone actually attend this facility full-time?”  You turn to the student next to you to strike up a conversation that will ultimately end with the question, “what’s your story?” You are hoping for an honest opinion. He’s got the scruffy look. Actually, he just flat out looks like a bum. He’s wearing a beat-up Harvard sweatshirt and looks like he just woke up, even though it’s 2:30 in the afternoon. In the few moments before the professor walks in with his assortment of random papers he never uses, you lean over and begin with “what’s going on man?” He’s startled by your sociability, but quickly answers your question with the generic “nothin’ much.” You begin to share some information about yourself, where you come from, why you’re here, etcetera. You tell him that you are taking this class just to get ahead and that you plan on returning to your more reputable university in the fall. He chuckles, and looks around as if you’ve just entered a prison, claiming that you are innocent, just like everybody else.  He quickly scans the room for his community college alums to draw attention. He pinches a piece of his old sweatshirt with his two fingers and pulls it away from his chest in attempt to imitate what he believes is “gangsta.” He then says in a very condescending manner, “yeah, and I actually go to Harvard.” Your mind quickly flashes back to when you where in the community bookstore. You are slowly touring the bookstore when you notice the  overpriced community college gear section with shirts, sweatshirts, tote-bags, the works. Then you remember, almost as if you were in slow motion, passing by the very same sweatshirt, with it’s bold, white letters. It read, “HARVARD.” But of course, your new comrade is not only a liar, but also a community college regular. Judging by the fact that the sweatshirt in your flashback was brand new, and his was pretty beat up, he has most certainly been here for a long time and will not be leaving anytime soon. And worst of all, you realize that you were the only one telling the truth all along. The icing on the cake is the day after, where everyone is surprisingly wearing the exact same thing as the day before. You show up late and awkwardly shuffle to your seat. Your seat is empty, but this time you don’t want to sit there. It’s too late, you’ve already chosen. Almost as if  that first day where you decided where to sit, you were deciding where you were going to sit for the duration of the entire class. Ugh. It’s going to be a long semester.

The Barber Shop

I'm convinced that the three types of people that give the best haircuts are old men,  gay guys, and black men. The old man has the vision and the keen eye for a good hair cut because he has seen so many different kinds of hair styles throughout the generations. The black man knows what's “in” and he knows how to give you the “bad boy” look or the “Fresh Prince” look. He's mastered the trimming and the shape up as well. The Gay guy looks at you from the perspective of both a male and a female so that you’re attractive to both genders. He's thinking, "If I gave him this look he'd be sexy, and so would Angela and Vanessa." If you walk into a barber shop and you find an old black gay barber, you just hit the jackpot.

Phat People

What would this world be like if there were no fat people? Some of the funniest people are fat, look at Chris Farley, John Belushi, and Gabriel Iglesias. Aside from these big comedians, look around you. Everyone has that fat friend who you can go to Chipotle with, or hug when you need a good cry, or just have a good time with cracking jokes. I know we say that the Obesity Rate is rising in the United States but most people don’t care about the Obesity Rate we care about the level below that, the fat people rate. If you’re funny or nice and you’re fat then god bless you, let’s go enjoy a burger together or laugh at that dude running horrible game on that girl. But if you’re mean and fat, then I don’t even know. At that point you either need to start hanging out with nice and funny fat people or go see a doctor. To me a mean fat person means that I can’t laugh or cry with you and I have to watch you be mean to me and other people who aren’t fat or are fat. That’s just messed up, go jump off a balcony.

Sorority Girls

Sorority girls, man oh man. If you look them up in the dictionary you will find the synonym to sorority is “sheep”. Yeah they usually like to follow. There are other synonyms of course that include but are not limited to: Orange Face, Chanel, Juicy, Ugg boots, North Face, and Aviator sunglasses.  Of course you can never generalize in life as there are good sorority girls out there, but the majority of them are synonyms of the above. The thing about sorority girls is that many of them carry the same dictionary which contains the words, “Um”,“Like”,“Definitely”, “Cute”, and “Tanning”. Many people associate sorority girls with being very promiscuous but the majority of them are actually huge teases. Every now and then you’ll find a sweet sorority girl who is not any of the following, but wait. She has a boyfriend and he’s usually some dude back home who’s either in the military or is working for his dad’s construction company. Most of these girls are usually really protective of their sororities name, sisters, and reputation. Their kryptonites include extremely nice cars, Brad Pitt, and excessive alcohol.

The Dinner Table

Need an excuse to spend a little more time with your family? How
about the dinner table? It’s almost as if there’s never a reason good enough to not
attend the daily dinner meeting. As if when someone attempts to escape the routine,
a slight sense of betrayal captures the face of your parents. Everyone feels like the
dinner table is simply a time to “check in” with the family, and your parents are
those annoying professors who insist on taking roll call every day. There is no doubt
that you actually get to enjoy a nice meal, but there’s a number of significant events
that turn this seemingly “enjoyable meal” into a small talk carnival that ultimately
ends in each member leaving the table disappointed. Although the end of dinnertime
seems to be a completely un-enjoyable, the beginning isn’t usually that bad. Your
mom frantically attempts to add last minute modifications to the food that has been
prepared for well over an hour while you are entrusted with the task of
simply “rounding everyone up.” A seemingly easy task compared to actually cooking
the food, but watch out, this could be treacherous. So your hunt begins for sibling
number one, who is for some reason nowhere to be found. Eventually, you’ll learn
that he is conveniently “taking a shower,” which renders him unreachable. Even
worse, you understand that you’ll have to make a second trip to this location in
order to successfully deliver the message that dinner is ready. You shrug it off, and
proceed to look for sibling number 2. To your disappointment, sibling number 2 has
decided to take a nap. Unfortunately, this is no ordinary nap and you are faced with
either taking 20 minutes to wake them up nicely or forcefully waking them with the
risk of them hating you for the remainder of the day. Lastly, it’s time to find sibling
number 3. You conveniently find sibling number 3 in a random room while walking
down the hallway. It’s almost to good to be true, he’s not sleeping, and he’s in plain
slight, almost ready for you to deliver the message. You deliver the message
smoothly and he responds with, “I’ll be right there.” This answer is only a decoy that
buys him time, you will definitely have to make second trip to tell him yet again that
dinner ready. You return to the kitchen frustrated, exhausted and having practically
done nothing in terms of gathering the family for dinnertime. It’s now finally time to
eat and you are starving. Everything looks delicious, except for the smaller reheated
misshapen plates that contain yesterday’s leftovers. You proceed to serve yourself
while others continue to mumble things like, “Could you pass the rice?” or “Wow this
tastes pretty good.” All is well until someone who is unable to handle the simple
silence of the meal, blurts out a random comment that has practically no bearing
what so ever. What sucks is that this small attempt to break the awkward silence has
summoned a tornado of small talk throughout the table, and everyone is involved.
It’s always that last few minutes of the dinner scene that are the most brutal, the
emotionless slow chew of your food; the wandering eyes, and the unbreakable
awkward silence. That previously delightful piece of chicken and spoon of rice that
so lavishly occupied your plate has now turned to an unappetizing mixture of scraps.
You yourself are even disgusted at how sloppy your specific plate looks when you
leave the table to go wash it. You leave the kitchen thinking that the silence was only
because today happened to be uneventful and that tomorrow will be different. You
are wrong.

Gorgeous Bitties

A friend of mine came up to me the other day, he asked for my advice on women. More specifically, on beautiful girls he meets at college or at the mall. He doesn’t understand what to do when theyre so gorgeous but such huge bitches. If you meet one and you feel like she won’t ever give you a chance and you want to make yourself feel better, just imagine her on the toilet seat having trouble releasing or stare at her armpits and imagine that she doesn’t shower. Or wait for her to laugh and imagine that she just farted and is trying to make up for it around the people shes with. Problem Solved, love you bro.

General Contractor

Its interesting when you call a general contracting company to come to your house and fix something. Usually it’s a pipe or piece of drywall that you and your buddy broke while competitively wrestling in the basement. “Good afternoon Sir, is this Reliant Drywall?” “Most certainly is, how can I help you?” Usually you tell them the status of the drywall and set an appointment for them to come through and help you. If you stay on the phone longer than ten minutes, they usually like you more than the average joe. “Sir, we value customer service and your happiness more than anything else.” You’re thinking, wow that’s awesome Leroy is the man. They roll up to the house smiling at you like both of you are best friends. That’s the thing about most contractors when they visit a house they look for any type of sign that you have money. It can be the Mercedes up front or that nice vase at the front door. “Let me see that drywall I’m sure its not a big deal.” You go ahead and show it to them and all of a sudden, the small 3x3 whole that you put through it is equivalent to the damage of hurricane Katrina. They always make that joke that's degrading and not funny but its a set up for their terms to fixing it. “Wow son, were you looking for gold in the wall?” “Wait what?” After they make that comment they do two things they start investigating it like they’re on CSI trying to show you they know what they’re doing, its usually a way to show the seriousness of the project even though its not a big deal. Or they just throw a huge number at you, “Two thousand and we will start tomorrow.” Then when you try and negotiate with them they usually reply with, “Look I have a family to feed, I’ve been working for this company for X years and this is how we do things.” Dude you just told me you strive off of good customer service and my happiness, yeah it happens.

People you find in the Gym

The Screamer- Loud unnecessary noises
The Fountain Roamer- Stationed at the water fountain
The One Upper- Follows your every set with higher weight.
Fat Guy who thinks hes strong- Squats 350 but looks like shit
Ab Guy- Nonstop abs, sloppy bod.
Adidas/Nike Rep- Alot of sweatbands, latest shorts and shirt.
Roid Head- Muscular guy nice dude, how does he wipe his ass or make phone calls?
Form Corrector- Maybe he really cares but its usually to spark up conversation.
Phone Guy- Bicep curls in one hand,  phone in the other. "Dude my right arm is definitely stronger than my left"
Infinite Sets guy- "How many sets you got left bro?" "13", "Oh ok, see you tommorow"
Asian Basketball Mob-Pretty Self Explanatory
Hairy Fob- Short shorts, hairy legs, and always smiling.
Sweatasaurus- Did he just bench or come from the swimming pool?

Gym Screamer

“Give it to me, give it to me, push as hard as you can big boy, last one!” Probably the most distracting and irritating thing you can hear in a gymnasium. This is usually heard from people who are working their chest while bench pressing. Sometimes it’s so loud that hear it from the other side of the gym, you don’t know whether two guys are gettin down and dirty with one another or some guy is delivering a baby.bench

The Furniture Store

No one can deny the feeling of shopping for the furniture you love. From the moment you walk into the store, your eyes are in search for that ideal sofa or loveseat that just fit perfectly in your living room. Now all you need is a spokesperson with an honest opinion to escort you through the store. Here’s where you run into a problem. As you enter the glass double-doors you are immediately surrounded by an ethnically diverse group people with nice suits and smiling faces. At first you feel at home, but all of a sudden you are burdened with the responsibility to select only one, and when your choice is finally made, the others just seem to disappear within the store. You almost feel betrayed when you see that the group that had initially disbanded after you made your choice, has now reassembled at the door for the next customer, smiling faces included. Yeah, you’re not that special.
Finally, your moment has come, the one-on-one with the salesperson. You begin by asking simple questions like, “What material is this made from?” or “mind if I take a seat?” When trying out the furniture, you notice the salesperson trying to decipher whether or not you are actually going to buy it, and the more furniture you sample, the more obvious this feeling becomes. You quickly smile at the employee as you get up and say, “Wow this is really comfortable,” of course you want nothing to do with that rocking chair. You proceed through the store and you finally set your eyes on something desirable. You see it in the distance and make your way over to this beautiful brown sofa, your escort slowly follows, almost bothered that you found it instead of him introducing it to you. You take a seat. “Wow this is fantastic, I really like this sofa,” you tell the employee with enthusiasm. You notice the salesperson begin to grin as if you just walked right into his trap, but you don’t mind, because you’ve discovered a great sofa in this football-field sized warehouse. Both parties are bubbling with excitement as you move closer and closer to the discussion of the price, which only tickles the thought of you actually purchasing the sofa.
The time has come; you finally pop the question to the employee. “How much for this one Gary?” These next few moments are crucial, you’ve only known this guy for a half an hour, but for some reason your relationship with him flashes before your eyes in such a way that depending on the price of this sofa, he is either your friend or simply someone that almost fooled you into spending your money. You begin to wonder if you made the right choice in the employee roulette at the front door. His face turns for only a millisecond, but his forced smile returns as he remembers the price of the sofa. The words creep out of his mouth like a slow moving smoke, “It’s 699.99.” You shake your head trying to identify just how many 9’s were in that number. Now you are put in a tough position, you are certainly not happy with the price, but it feels like almost everyone in the store is looking at you, just waiting to hear you say those desired three words, “I’ll take it.” But you can’t, what has really happened in this store finally washes over you like a tidal wave. The whole thing was just a show, the empty smiles, the friendly faces, all for you. Not anymore. You quickly compose yourself, and in a moment of courage, you confidently stand up from the comfortable leather sofa. You mimic the employees fake smile as you say, “that’s not a bad price, let’s keep looking.” You are now in complete control, it’s time for revenge. You begin to give the aura that you are sold on this furniture and that you are in such a frenzy that from here on, almost anything that you show interest for you will immediately buy. The salespersons smile grows with every envious look he gets from his co-workers for the anticipated commission. You are finally enjoying yourself. You feel like a millionaire as you walk around like you can buy the whole store, coincidentally your escorts energy has tripled as he gallops towards everything you set your eyes on. After hours of touring the oversized warehouse, you finally spot something that you remember seeing some time ago, and you have certainly wasted enough of everyone’s time
Now you make your way to the counter in the back of the store where final deals are made. It’s time for you to reveal you deception. But you’re smart, you’re not going to just admit that you are planning on leaving the store empty handed. Rather, you’re going to ask for your escorts contact information. His smile vanishes as he asks you with a glimmer of hope, “You’re not going to buy anything?” You claim, “Not today” but, that you’ll “let him know.” Now you begin to make your way to front door smiling, leaving behind you a seed of doubt if they’ll ever hear from you again. And of course you know if you ever return the roles will be reversed. Now your previous selection will have that same feeling of anticipation and excitement that you had when you first entered the store.  Revenge has never been sweeter, thanks Ashley Furniture.

Gaming

I play games, every young guy does. If you don’t you’re weird that’s just how it is. It was always like that, you’d have a whole bunch of friends over and you just finished watching a movie or eating some food  and one of your friends is like “Hey lets go play the new Halo 3 that just came out!” There's always that one friend who’s not really down, he was the uncool friend. That guy who was just there cause you tried to train him to be cool but it never worked out. I always thought it was funny when you played online and there would be that girl playing and everyone would always try and get in her pants. They’d be like, “Yo LilCutie follow me, the Gatling gun is this way.” Dude you’re not going to get in her pants, she’s playing from Greece and you're in the United States. It was even funnier when you’d hear her voice over the headset, she’d sound so hot cause of the microphone. But in reality, she’s like a fat redheaded chick with no friends with a bag of Cheetos in front of her, yep definitely a muffin top.

Snacks and Unhealthy Foods

I always thought Cheetos were funny, like what is a cheeto? Sounds like a native American chieftain to me. “Ey Cheeto! Sky Spirit and Swift Tiger have just returned from hunting, they’re going to hit the sack  and call it a night.” Cheetos are awesome but the orange flavor that rubs off on your fingers while you’re eating them always kind of freaked me out. I mean everyone does that right? They lick their fingers after eating Cheetos but then your fingernails are all orange, its almost like you just made out with an Oompa Loompa from Charlie and the chocolate factory.
I love cheetos, Doritos, hot fries, all that stuff and its so amazing when youre eating it but after you feel like absolute poo. You start grabbing your stomach and flexing to make yourself feel better. But after its all done you usually just lay there like a dead buffalo. Thinking to yourself what the hell was I thinking eating all that? It’s like fast food resturaunts Chipotle and Mcdonalds, people are always so excited to go there like its going to be the best time which it is, at the beginning at least. “Yo, lets go get some Chipotle.” “Dude im so down, I’m gonna get two burritos, extra sour cream, holler at me son.” But then it’s like once you show up and eat the actual burrito and you can barely walk youre thinking to yourself, I need to get on a fuckin treadmill. You know whats even more funny when youre going to a fast food resturaunt with some friends and youre like, “No man I cant be eating that stuff, Im really trying to cut back on unhealthy food like that.” And you always have that one friend who tries to convince you to eat with him because he feels the same way and doesn’t want to feel like a fat ass alone. “Dude youll be fine, just get a burrito like you always do and drop the coke, get a bottle of water.” Yeah you’re right Steven, dropping the coke will only make me feel like less of a fat ass.

Muffintops

You know what the most disgusting thing is? Honestly, you could ask me right now what I thought the most disgusting thing is and I could straight up tell you. Muffintops. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I’m not talking about what I cook in the kitchen with my mom and sister. I’m talking about the home of the belly roll, the hanging of fat over the jeans. Sure there is plenty of people out there with muffin tops but a mix of that with a pair of jeans most definitely seals the deal.
We can look at it from two spectrums, the tighties and the loosey goosey.  A muffin top with tight jeans is no different than trying to squeeze that last bit of toothpaste to place it on your tooth brush. When muffin tops wear tight jeans they are exercising a lower body to upper body toothpaste effect which causes the fat to hang over the jeans creating what I call ,a cliffhanger. I don't know why I just used exercising in that sentence because it does not belong there, no sir. When you see the cliffhanger, it's time to run. The other side of the spectrum deals with a muffin top wearing really loose jeans which in this case still causes a hanging effect but not as severe as  the cliffhanger. These jeans create a new concept in which I call the Indiana Jones. Basically, you have this girl with flab still hanging over her loose jeans but it looks like she just went to the bathroom. Both the cliffhanger and Indiana Jones are extreme ends of the spectrum but at the end of the day both disgusting. Is it me or do muffin tops look that much worse on females? Yeah I think so too.
I always thought Muffin tops were interesting creatures, they were always like science experiments. Every time I look at them I imagine a bunch of them inside of a lab, in a glass room with scientists running tests on their bodies wondering how the stomach got to this kind of stage. Even more interesting to me was how muffintop girls always seemed to get better looking over the years. In high school there were those muffintop girls who didn’t look good at all but after you went to college and decided to add them on facebook they all had model bodies. It makes you wonder was the reason they looked so physically unattractive because of the whack people at the highschool or what? It’s like when they go off to college, they go through Batman’s training with the League of Shadows. That or they were training for the Olympics.

Present Giving

I love giving presents, One time I got this girl that I liked a present she looks at me and goes ,”what is it?” I replied, “Um a present.” She goes cute, “Is it like a box of chocolates? It feels like a book,” “No it’s a praying mantis statue, just open the damn gift.”
Its always funny when people are opening gifts, theres like that awkward moment between you and them where they feel like they don’t deserve it, that or its not going to be good enough. The worst is when someone’s birthday is coming, and you’re like ,”Dude your birthdays coming up, I got you the best gift, probably the best thing you’ve ever gotten.” You hype it so much that you make it seem like youre going to get them a motorcycle or a million dollars. But you really got them the XBOX headset that’s like solared power. I mean that’s cool but that’s not that cool. A good gift is something you can use everyday and for girls its something they can brag about it, especially if its your girlfriend or your wife. Shes not going to get far with her bragging about a solared power xbox headset, unless shes into gaming then that’s a different story.
I always found it amusing how we would give our friends a heads up about their birthdays weeks before the actual big day but would end up buying a present a couple hours before their actual celebration. “Dude, the bday is in 2 weeks, you ready big guy?” An hour before his birthday party you would stop and get him a $20 gift card from Radioshack. “Hmm, Im too cheap and unoriginal to buy him anything else so I’ll buy a gift card to a store where he can get some batteries.”  I really think when you purchase a gift for someone it shows how much they mean to you. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out and buy them a private jet, a small poem can be more valuable than some money or expensive shoes but it all comes down to the thought.
Another awkward moment with gifting is when someone gives you a gift, it could be a crystal vase or a cute mug and it has the barcode with the serial price on the bottom but its all scratched off. It’s one of those barcodes that was glued on so well it didn’t peel off smoothly. And not only can you see the price of the gift but sometimes it even has “clearance” written on it somewhere. Not that it’s a big deal, but dude I know you went to the back of Marhsalls or TJMaxx and picked out one of the leftovers on clearance. The section in the back where all the old people roam in their free time looking for sculptures and ceramic sets, yeah that place.
You always had those friends who would be like “Yo man, your birthday is coming up soon. Big things this year.” I don’t know why but I never really liked hearing that, “big things this year.” What does that even mean?  When I hear someone say that to somebody else or someone says that to me there’s really no response for that, all you can do is just smile and nod.

Home Depot

Home Depot, that place is out of control. Every time I go into home depot I feel like I’m in my own garage but their garage just has cooler stuff and is much bigger. That’s the thing though at home depot its almost like no one can help you out, everyones lost. Not only that but its almost like the majority of employees have have no clue what tools are in what section, its almost like anybody could work at home depot. And why is it that when we go at night there's like two employees working there, it turns into like a scavenger hunt for employees rather than a hunt for what we actually came to the store for.
When I go to home depot I always end up bumping into some type of black guy, and theres usually two versions of him. Theres the really cool black guy who doesn’t really care but is still tryna help you and then theres the lost black guy who just embellishes on basic knowledge of stuff and confuses you even more. “Hey Jerome, whats up man I’m looking for a 1 inch PVC pipe with a union, my plumber just told me to come pick up a bunch of stuff from here, its for my fountain.” Yeah one inch PVC what are you looking to do? Then youre thinking to yourself, “Run water through it what else you idiot, Im looking to have a PVC sword battle with my cousin when I get home, we’re doing gladiator on our trampoline.” Then you just sigh, trying to stay cool and youre contemplating either finding someone else or just making your own moves and solving your own problems. I don’t know why but it seems like all home depot slash lowes employees do this, when you ask them a question they tilt their torso and neck and talk to another associate who’s super far away and they redirect your question to make it seem like they know. And they usually cut what youre looking for in a few words to not look retarded, “Hey Tom. One inch PVC and a union, fountain project.” 7 times out of 10, Tom has no clue either, but since he got asked from the other side of the store his words are more credible than Jeromes.  If he doesn’t know, he’ll say , “Yep” and then add a small piece of information like “Pressurized PVC” or “Schedule 40”. If he does know he’ll start walking towards you, pulling a Jerome on the customer he was originally with.
The worst thing at home depot is when youre trying to decide between two items that are really close, look like they do the same thing but there is just a huge price difference between them. Its usually the white guy who does this to you. “Hey Chris, I don’t know If I should go with the sandblaster or the pressure washer.” “Well the sandblaster is 89.95 and the pressure washer is 149.95.” Yeah I see that but whats the difference? “Depends on what you wanna do.” I cant stand when they say that, its like theyre trying to mess with you. They always pick for you depending on the words you choose, as humans we do this without thinking sometimes. “Um, well im trying to wash my deck, get the color back. “Hmmm so you probably want to go with the pressure washer.”  Let me guess If I said Im trying to blast the paint off of my concrete you would have chosen the sand blaster for me. Even worse than that is when they justify the prices based on the history of the products, its like they went from home depot salesperson to home depot head of the marketing department. “Well if you go with the sandblaster itll save you a good amount of money.” Yeah but why is the pressure washer more expensive don’t they kind of do the same thing” “Well heres the thing in 1998 , John Deere bought out Martech Industries, so the sandblaster wasn’t in as high of demand and their market share dropped. So Hydrotech comes in and they want higher market share, so they come out with this pressure washer, thing is its more expensive because theyre a new company.” Once you start getting bored they just go with the better known company, “Look if I were you I’d just go with the John Deere, they’re well known and more reliable.” Ok Chris, thanks for wasting my time and your time. Now go misdirect somebody else in the store.